When they asked the little girl where her home was she replied - Where mother is

Happy Mother's Day

13
May

Help Wanted

As today is Mother's Day, I thought it would be appropriate to post an article that I wrote a few years ago, about how a local ad in a newspaper would read if someone was looking to hire someone for the position of "MOM"

Desperately Seeking One Mom: Required Immediately!

Responsibilities include:

Maid

This entails cleaning the floors and vacuuming (especially in the kitchen due to crumbs from children’s dinners and snacks that always make their way to the floors). You may need extra time in this area if pancakes, honey or juice is served - as all leave a sticky residue behind, where inevitably some unsuspecting guest will get stuck in it. Please note: You may need to clean the same area more than once during the day depending on number of times the children eat.

As well, laundry is to be done on a regimented basis to ensure that all family members have fresh clothes to wear each day. You may find yourself doing more laundry than initially intended, as the children tend to go through two to three outfits per day (see above re: eating habits) and may or may not include your husband, if it is a weekend.

Making the beds (this could sometimes be two to three times a day, depending on how many times the children jump on the bed and/or pull it apart).

Dusting is a must and cannot be overlooked. I stress this because it is a guarantee that the time you do decide not to dust, is the same day an in-law or friend will drop in to say hello and witness your bad cleaning skills......

Chauffeur

You must have a valid drivers’ license to take the children out each day. You will be doing a lot of driving to pre-school, grocery store, parks and playgrounds. You may also find that you are simply driving just to get them outside of the house (and you). You must have a large vehicle that will hold all coats, toys, wipees, snacks, stroller(s), diapers, first aid and blankets, along with many miscellaneous items that will inevitably find their way in to your vehicle, such as a cat toy. In addition to miscellaneous items, you may find the occasional cracker box or juice box in a side compartment or beneath a seat in your vehicle. The children find this quite amusing to hide them, and will keep their little joke to themselves - for you to discover on your own, months later.

Nurse

Your skills will be put to the test almost immediately after you have started. You will need to be extremely quick and cunning when it comes to the children and their accidents. Please do not assume that when you say “No” that they will listen the first time. (Refer to making the beds above). Preference will be given to applicants who possess a second set of eyes in their head.

Please keep the house stocked with the following items: Batman band aids, Benedril and cold/cough syrup. The children will take turns in using at least one of the above items each week. And as a nurse, you will need to be “on” sometimes for 24 hours or more, depending on the level of care required for each child should a flu or cold be especially bad. As you are the Mom, there will be no other Mom to relieve you of your duties during the sick season, so you must stay healthy at all times. Tylenol should also be kept on hand (for you) should the latter become impossible.

Chef

You will be required to prepare succulent, creative meals for the family during the day and night. You may find that some family members do not like the meal you have prepared for them, which will result in cooking more than one meal per sitting. If you are serving things such as spaghetti or things with sauces, please be prepared to clean the floors (or walls) afterwards (refer to Maid responsibilities).

Lover

In addition to the responsibilities above, you must also keep yourself in good shape by spending the hour (or sometimes half-hour) that you have to yourself, working out. You must enjoy late night rendezvous after your long day is over and the children are tucked away in bed (excluding flu/cold season). Unenthusiastic applicants need not apply.

Please note: This is not a part-time position but full-time. If you are also working elsewhere and want to apply for this position as well, please be aware that you will be fully expected to still perform all the above duties to perfection, in addition to your other outside work.

Other responsibilities you will encounter as a mom, will include (but are not limited to) the role of a mediator, financial wizard, psychic, child entertainer, artist, seamstress, friend and teacher. All of which, require a pleasant, patient and understanding disposition at all times.

If you are chosen as the qualified Mom, you will not receive a paid salary, and will not be able to be use the position on a resume for future work. Instead, reimbursement will be spread out over several years in the form of many hugs, kisses and words of “I love you” that will be worth their weight in gold.

Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms who take on all these tasks each and every day and make it seem effortless!

 

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